Bitterness

God has blessed me with an amazing church family. Today Pastor Tim preached on Bitterness. I was really looking forward to the service today because of the testimony of Bill Vail. I had heard a bit of his story and was excited for the opportunity to hear more of where he has been and what God has done in his life.

Unlike some of the previous messages in this series The Enemy Within (which has been awesome) I didn't walk in looking for answers. Bitterness, I thought, wasn't something I was struggling with. However, as Tim spoke, God showed me that bitterness has played a huge role in my life. He also showed me the one person I am most bitter towards. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. During the service I wrote down 4 names. 3 of them are people that I've always known I've got baggage with.....but believed I had resolved and forgiven. It was the first name on the list...that again....was a shocker.

I took some time after the service to journal what my real feelings are towards this person. I didn't hold anything back. All of the anger and pain and hatred that I felt quickly came up to the surface. I felt myself wishing that person was there so I could scream at them and hurt them the way they hurt me. Hate is such a strong word...and one that it scares me to think I actually feel/felt towards this critical person in my life. But I had to be honest with myself and with God.

I ended up with 2 pages of all of the things that had happened to create the bitterness in my heart. Before today I had always struggled with my feelings towards this person. Logically, I should love them but in my heart I could not make that connection. I had never taken the time to seriously consider why....until today.

When I opened the door to my anger all of the memories (or lack thereof) came back in a rush and I could hardly keep my pen up with my thoughts.

For a long long time I've prayed for God to release me from my anger....and then gotten angry at Him for not doing it! I've wandered what I'm doing wrong, doubted my salvation (after all, how could a true child of God act the way I acted?) But that is lie that the Enemy wants us to believe.

I think that God showed me today that much of my anger is a result of bitterness that took root in my heart when I was a child.

Even though I know that forgiving this person is taking my control back and obeying God....it was very difficult to let go of my bitterness. Why is that? Why would I rather harbor this anger towards this person...rather then live my life free?

I had an emotional conversation with God about it......and know that I am free.

But it's still hard.

Why is it that some of the most important, critical people in our lives are the ones that hurt us the most?