Chance and Believing

Been praying for a miracle for a while now. A miracle is what I believed I needed. For God to reach down from heaven, lightening bolts flashing and thunder crashing.

So, when God answered my prayers with something other than a miracle. Well, let's just say it wasn't pretty. I immediately questioned, "Why?!". "Why aren't you listening to me?" (isn't' it all about me?) "Why did this happen?"

It took a few minutes, but I soon realized that God had answered my prayer. Not with a miracle. No, but He did it in exactly the way I had prayed and prayed that He would. He left no room for me to question my path. Scary how quickly I am deceived. Even after I saw how the Lord had kept His promises (as He always does)....there was still a little bitty voice in my head trying to chalk up the answered prayer to coincidence. I do not believe in coincidence.

And it's so cool to see how He continues to confirm that truth as the days have passed. Why is it such a struggle sometimes to truly believe the promises in His word and truly find rest in those promises?

Truly believing leads me to the, "Believing" portion of my post. Little Man has had a rough couple of mornings getting up early and returning to his normal schedule. When we got to YCare this morning I realized how hard I had been on him for the choices that he'd made that morning which had led to lots of frustration on both of our parts.

So before we got out of the van I told him, "You know I believe in you and I know you can make better choices."

To which he very seriously replied, "Do you believe in Jesus mommy?"

Wow, was my first thought! Little Man and I had a pretty lengthy talk the other night about Jesus and going to heaven as he is asking questions. When he asked me if I believed I was touched at how Jesus must really be heavy on his heart and mind to ask. On the other hand.....shouldn't he already know by my life, that I believe? I was touched and sorely convicted all at the same time.

Kids are so awesome. I love the way they love the Lord. Untainted, innocent, and without question.

Washed by the Water

Amazing how the words of a song can mean so much. I love this song by NeedtoBreathe...I love the truth in these lyrics....especially the chorus.

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

...

Even if the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even if the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I won’t never ever let you down
I won’t fall
I won’t fall
I won’t fall as long as you’re around me

Complacency

Life has been moving a bit too fast these past few weeks. Thus, no posting on my part.

If God has taught me anything in 2008 it's that trials really are a blessing. The past year has been difficult. I'm quite aware that, in comparison to some, it's not been so bad. But the difficult is what I need...apparently. You see.....I'm a bit stubborn.

But the point is that has God shown me, over and over this year, that He is always faithful to His promises. And regardless of how hopeless things may seem, He always has a plan and it is always far beyond what I could ever ask for or imagine.

That being said, I'm sorry to say that after hitting the high of seeing God's mighty hand clearly moving in my life, I slowly drifted into complacency. Unaware for months, I began lowering the expectations I have of myself. Expectations of the kind of mother, wife, and friend I desire to be, and more importantly, that God desires me to be.

As the days have passed.......my level of complacency grew.

God used last Sunday to show me how far I've drifted from who I want to be and who He wants me to be. He showed me some truths that I really didn't want to accept.

It's so easy for me to slip into behaviors and attitudes that are destructive...oftentimes without even knowing it. And over time...these behaviors and attitudes become such commonplace that I'm not even aware of them.

I don't think I could ever be thankful enough or praise God enough for dying on the cross for ME so that I could KNOW that I am forgiven and KNOW that there is always hope in the Lord. Without that......there are times I really don't know how I could function.

So......I handed my complacency over to God........and started the trek back onto His path.

The Lord has answered LOTS of prayer this week.

Thank you Father.

Bitterness

God has blessed me with an amazing church family. Today Pastor Tim preached on Bitterness. I was really looking forward to the service today because of the testimony of Bill Vail. I had heard a bit of his story and was excited for the opportunity to hear more of where he has been and what God has done in his life.

Unlike some of the previous messages in this series The Enemy Within (which has been awesome) I didn't walk in looking for answers. Bitterness, I thought, wasn't something I was struggling with. However, as Tim spoke, God showed me that bitterness has played a huge role in my life. He also showed me the one person I am most bitter towards. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. During the service I wrote down 4 names. 3 of them are people that I've always known I've got baggage with.....but believed I had resolved and forgiven. It was the first name on the list...that again....was a shocker.

I took some time after the service to journal what my real feelings are towards this person. I didn't hold anything back. All of the anger and pain and hatred that I felt quickly came up to the surface. I felt myself wishing that person was there so I could scream at them and hurt them the way they hurt me. Hate is such a strong word...and one that it scares me to think I actually feel/felt towards this critical person in my life. But I had to be honest with myself and with God.

I ended up with 2 pages of all of the things that had happened to create the bitterness in my heart. Before today I had always struggled with my feelings towards this person. Logically, I should love them but in my heart I could not make that connection. I had never taken the time to seriously consider why....until today.

When I opened the door to my anger all of the memories (or lack thereof) came back in a rush and I could hardly keep my pen up with my thoughts.

For a long long time I've prayed for God to release me from my anger....and then gotten angry at Him for not doing it! I've wandered what I'm doing wrong, doubted my salvation (after all, how could a true child of God act the way I acted?) But that is lie that the Enemy wants us to believe.

I think that God showed me today that much of my anger is a result of bitterness that took root in my heart when I was a child.

Even though I know that forgiving this person is taking my control back and obeying God....it was very difficult to let go of my bitterness. Why is that? Why would I rather harbor this anger towards this person...rather then live my life free?

I had an emotional conversation with God about it......and know that I am free.

But it's still hard.

Why is it that some of the most important, critical people in our lives are the ones that hurt us the most?