"Respect My Authority!!!!"

So anyone even semi familiar with South Park can now, clearly and crisply, hear Cartmans voice screaming in their head, "Respect my authority!!"

Not such a good parenting tool. Doesn't teach much....other then that yelling is highly ineffective. Doesn't inspire respect and certainly doesn't make the "yeller" feel better.

I'm often telling my kiddo's, when I know they're tired, that they still have to make good choices. That being tired is no excuse for poor behavior.

Well...you guessed it. I'm tired! I miss my hubby terribly and I stayed up waaaaay too late last night... bad choice on my part. So tonight I found myself utilizing a bit of Cartman's technique with my kiddo's.

Effective?
Nope!
Inspiring?
The opposite!
Discouraging?
Absolutely.

Little Man has been having some struggles at school lately and has been praying for God to help him make better choices. Tonight he prayed for God to help mommy make better choices. Thanks Little Man.....I needed that.

Now I think I'll do some praying of my own. Then I think I'll get a step ahead on good choices for tomorrow by going to bed!!!

PS - 60-60 sort of slipped away over the weekend. I'll begin again tomorrow, seeking to connect with God every hour with my heart and ears open to His voice.

Grandpa's and bunk beds?

Got a call from my Dad today to say he'd be in town in a few days. I'm excited......because I have a love for my dad that's steadily been growing which I can't say had been there before. God has done some miraculous things in my heart. I give Him all of the credit.

I love my dad. It's funny how growing up tends to change the way you view the past. I told dad that I had been thinking about calling him for the last couple of days. His response, likely unrealized by him...meant the world to me. He said, "I think about calling you too.......pretty much every day." Those are the types of comments, so often said in passing, that really make a girl feel special.

Some day I'll share my testimony. It's probably hard to understand why that little comment meant so much to me without knowing a bit about our past.

Anyway....I knew the kiddo's would be excited about a visit with Grandpa so I shared the news of his visit as soon as I picked them up. Yes...they're very excited!

So tonight while I was putting Little Man to bed he shares with me how he wishes daddy wasn't working at night anymore so that he could sleep ALL night (emphasis on all) in bed with Little Man.

To which I responded, "but I want daddy to sleep in bed with me!"

Little Man replied, "Hey, how about you and daddy sleep on the top bunk....since I DO have bunk beds, and I'll sleep down here." He was quite impressed with himself at this point.

It was cute....and might be fun.....so I told him we'd see.

This was when he got very excited and exclaimed, "Hey...I know! How about Grandpa and I have a sleepover and he can sleep on the top bunk!"

I had to laugh at the image of my dad sleeping on the top bunk......but that would be so cool for Little Man. I suggested that he talk to Grandpa about that in a few days when we're all together. His response was a resounding, "Yes! I think I'll do that!"

Bitterness

God has blessed me with an amazing church family. Today Pastor Tim preached on Bitterness. I was really looking forward to the service today because of the testimony of Bill Vail. I had heard a bit of his story and was excited for the opportunity to hear more of where he has been and what God has done in his life.

Unlike some of the previous messages in this series The Enemy Within (which has been awesome) I didn't walk in looking for answers. Bitterness, I thought, wasn't something I was struggling with. However, as Tim spoke, God showed me that bitterness has played a huge role in my life. He also showed me the one person I am most bitter towards. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. During the service I wrote down 4 names. 3 of them are people that I've always known I've got baggage with.....but believed I had resolved and forgiven. It was the first name on the list...that again....was a shocker.

I took some time after the service to journal what my real feelings are towards this person. I didn't hold anything back. All of the anger and pain and hatred that I felt quickly came up to the surface. I felt myself wishing that person was there so I could scream at them and hurt them the way they hurt me. Hate is such a strong word...and one that it scares me to think I actually feel/felt towards this critical person in my life. But I had to be honest with myself and with God.

I ended up with 2 pages of all of the things that had happened to create the bitterness in my heart. Before today I had always struggled with my feelings towards this person. Logically, I should love them but in my heart I could not make that connection. I had never taken the time to seriously consider why....until today.

When I opened the door to my anger all of the memories (or lack thereof) came back in a rush and I could hardly keep my pen up with my thoughts.

For a long long time I've prayed for God to release me from my anger....and then gotten angry at Him for not doing it! I've wandered what I'm doing wrong, doubted my salvation (after all, how could a true child of God act the way I acted?) But that is lie that the Enemy wants us to believe.

I think that God showed me today that much of my anger is a result of bitterness that took root in my heart when I was a child.

Even though I know that forgiving this person is taking my control back and obeying God....it was very difficult to let go of my bitterness. Why is that? Why would I rather harbor this anger towards this person...rather then live my life free?

I had an emotional conversation with God about it......and know that I am free.

But it's still hard.

Why is it that some of the most important, critical people in our lives are the ones that hurt us the most?

Hubby, Handsome Boy & 60-60 Day 2

Kudos to my hubby. He has been working his tail off at work for the last couple of months. Working a ton of hours in an un-air conditioned building at KU, 12 hour days.

When I found out he was going to be working nights I was a bit dismayed and wandered, "why God?"

But, the blessings that have come from him working on this job are countless and continue to pile up. His hard work and dedication have paid off and I am so proud of him!

____________________

On to my little man...who officially turned 6 years old yesterday. So hard to believe. The boy is obsessed with Batman, which I find odd since he's never seen a Batman movie, cartoon, or anything Batman related to my knowledge. When he got up in the morning he proceeded to instruct each of his sisters to tell him happy birthday. Where does the time go?

____________________

Day 2 of 60-60

Still only had hourly alarm reminders up until 1pm. I need to figure out a good way to get my hourly reminders through out the entire day.

Today was different in that I did stop every time and prayed for direction from God. At times it does seem a bit robotic. I don't think it will be effective if it turns into me just doing it to say that I did it, so I'm trying/praying for real connection and re centering in God's will.

Those brief moments usually start off a bit mechanical, but always end up with me having made a connection with Him.

Something I read recently in the book "Soul Revolution" really spoke to me...and I'm curious as to what anyone who might actually read my blog.... :)......thinks about it...so here it is.

"God's 1st concern is not our behavior, but our hearts....Our behavior simply indicates how willing we are to love and trust and follow God. Relationship is what God desires; faithfulness is what pleases Him most."

60-60 Experiment - Day 1

I'm trying out this experiment, the "60-60 Experiment". Reconnecting with God every 60 minutes. Seeking His will for my life every 60 minutes. Or...just taking a moment to talk to Him about whatever!.....every 60 minutes.

Yesterday was day 1......not sure I can even call it Day 1. It was a very lackadaisical attempt on my part. I set the alarm on my cell phone to go off every hour. Unfortunately my phone would only allow me to set so many alarms...and so I had them going up until 1pm.

Last night I was really shocked at what the reality of my relationship with the Lord has been....... based on the results from Day 1.

I did manage to stop and pray almost every time the alarm went off. Honestly though.....several of those times I didn't feel connected to God when I did it.....but I did it anyway.

There were a few times that I simply disabled the alarm and went on with my day. But not without a soft tap tap tap on my shoulder from the Holy Spirit reminding me that I had just chosen my day, my priorities, my coffee, my conversations, my whatever over taking a minute to ask God what He wanted from/for me in that moment...in those next 60 minutes.

I also discovered just how quickly I lost sight of God. In an instant my world revolves around me....not Jesus and His will. I remember thinking, pretty much every time the alarms went off, "man...it's already been an hour?!" It surprised me how fast that time would go by and how, within seconds, I would take my eyes off Jesus and put them square on something else.

And that was only with alarms going up until 1pm.

So....today is Day 2, we'll see what happens.

Yes - "All things DO work for good"....

Lesson learned. Hopefully I'll not travel down the same road again. Unfortunately, I'm human so that's probably unlikely!

Needless to say, as always, God had a plan, I didn't really like it enough, therefore, I spent/wasted countless hours trying to figure out a way to make my own plan work. Of course, this lead to anxiety, lack of sleep, and the consumption of LOTS of Double Stuff Oreos.

When it came down to it, I really had no choice but to go with God's plan.....I wasn't able to make my own ideas come to fruition, imagine that!

So today was the first day of trusting in God's plan for my kiddo's and their childcare. If I'm being honest......it was more of me kicking and screaming all the way to the gate. However, and not surprisingly, God's plan is far better than what I could have ever come up with on my own and everything has worked out perfectly. All I can say is thank you Lord, You ROCK!

So the kiddo's and I had fun being goofy tonight. I got a few good pics of Little Man's own version of a Mohawk and Sissy's silly face.

Denial meets Reality

If I had a camera (ours broke a few months ago) the very first thing I'd be posting today would be a pic of my little man, decked out in BATMAN from head to toe...ready for his first day of Kindergarten.

I could not be more proud of him. The morning didn't quite go the way I had planned....(of ALL mornings) and we arrived at school right as the bell rang. I was feeling a lot like a failure of a mother for helping little man show up late on his first day!

Nevertheless, he kept his cool and that gorgeous smile of his. When we got to his class he sort of stepped back. Not physically, but I could tell by his demeanor that he withdrew a bit. There were lots of other parents still there so I had some time to get him settled. We looked around and found some of his friends from his pre-school class last year which really brought a smile to his face. When I left he was doing the craft! Not to be derogatory...but most that know my little man would likely be as surprised as I was to see him so focused and quiet doing a craft.

Man.......did I say I'm proud of him. That little guy inspires me.

My morning was so packed after that with getting my girls and going to meet a possible new babysitter...that I really didn't have time to "go there"...if you know what I mean.

It wasn't until I was on my way to church....that everything....and I mean EVERYTHING hit me and I pretty much became a sobbing, emotional basket case. Yes, the "ugly cry" was in full effect! Praise God for sunglasses!

Denial is a beautiful thing. oops....NOT really. For many weeks now I've been in denial about the inevitable changes about to effect our family. You know that thing some of us do.....if I don't think about it, maybe it will just go away? That saying...which is ridiculous and just makes things worse in the end? Yeah...that's the one I've been using to manage the changes in my life recently. Not such a good thing.

Needless to say....reality hit today...and Monday...reality will hit full force.

Thank you so much Lord for your promises.

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

My "handsome boy"......

Tomorrow is your first day of kindergarten and you couldn't be more excited. Sleep didn't come easy for you tonight, and after a brief round of frustration on my part, I remembered back to those days.....

You are such a wonderful little boy with a huge heart to go with that beautiful smile. I find myself looking at you these days and wandering when my adorable little boy turned into such a handsome, funny, caring, and helpful little man.

To see the smile on your face tonight as we prayed about your day tomorrow...your excitement growing......it's such a blessing.

I pray that as you go out into this world, you always believe in how special you are....just the way God made you.

Or...as you put it, "Mommy, I'm going to do a good job tomorrow because I'm smart and funny and a good friend!"

Mint anyone?

The phrase, "Finders keepers....losers weepers," hit home hard for me today when my mint, still in its wrapper, was taken from me and eaten by someone else. Right in front of me no less!

.......the whole scenario was actually hilarious. Certainly doesn't seem so now that it's in writing......but that's ok. :)

...these are a few of my LEAST favorite things...

(sing to The Sound of Music - My Favorite Things)

A shot in my gums to numb my condition...

A whir here, a stench there, my teeth in "remission".

Two root canals now throbbing with pain

These are a few of my least favorite things!

__________________________________________

When I left the Endodontist yesterday after having 2 root canals finished.....they cautioned me to expect some, "tenderness" in my two "root canal" teeth. They suggested I fill my prescription for pain meds to beat this "tenderness" to the punch.

Well.....can I just say....."tenderness" in NO way describes the pain that I was feeling even before arriving to pick up my kiddo's not 30 minutes after leaving the dentist. Why is it that some of the smallest parts of our bodies can cause some of the worst, most annoying pain? Tooth aches stink! I finally called the dentist this afternoon after a morning of agony....and was informed that it is normal to be unable to eat solid food for "up to a week" and for pain medication to be ineffective. Good to know.

One thing I've learned is that I would really like to avoid needing one of these again in the future!

As a result...of this, that, and the other...I wasn't the most stable minded person this afternoon.....but God is so good. I had a chance to talk to my hubby who quickly sensed things weren't ok and lovingly reassured and encouraged me. What a blessing...and just what I needed.

And I know...I'll take toothaches any day over........this...harsh, but real and on my heart.

Walking the Line

Yes, I like a good Johnny Cash song every now and then.....but, no....this post is not a reference to that one song of his.

Am I the only one that struggles with knowing where my efforts stop and God's begin? How do I know when to stop trying to figure things out and just let God work His plan?

I don't think it's a good idea for me to just hang out and wait for things to magically come together without any effort on my part. But I think sometimes I really don't know when to stop...and let me just say....that "not knowing when to stop" thing has gotten me into some trouble a time or two.....or three...or more.

So, things are coming down to the wire and time is running out. I have had months to pray for God's will and direction as well as do my own researching and info gathering. The problem is...I still don't have peace and am still wracking my brain trying to figure things out!

Is a lack of peace a sure sign that I am out of God's will? Or is it a sure sign that I'm just really stubborn?

It's kinda like driving down the Interstate. As long as I'm on the right side of the median...I can cruise a long and enjoy the ride, assuming I can effectively manage the steering wheel and deal with other drivers. But, when I start breaking the speed limit or lose sight of the road ahead of me.....it's crash and burn time!

Thinking out loud.

KP

Movement

I look at my husband these days....the hunk that he is (sorry....can't keep that to myself)....and I simply cannot believe we're about to celebrate our 7th year of marriage.

I look at my life and where God has taken me, the trials, the victories, the miracles, and the blessings and I am in awe.

It took some time, about 19 years to be exact, for God to get me to a point in which I really believe in His power to work miracles in every area of my life. I praise God that He is long-suffering and merciful.

Would I be alive today without the grace and mercy of the Lord in my life? I don't think so.

The only reason I am here is because God saved me. He saved me by sacrificing His son and He saved me by never giving up on me and always keeping the promises in His word. Psalm 138: 7 & 9

My fervent prayer is that I might be used by Him to give others hope in the infinite power and might of the Lord to perform miracles in their own lives beyond what we could ever imagine.

Ephesians 3:20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.

While the darkness is ever present, I know that the Lord is omnipotent and mighty.

While my choices are often the wrong ones, I know that the Lord is forgiving, patient, and merciful.

While my past is filled with despair,
-disillusionment
- and darkness,
I know,
because of it all,
that there is nothing He can't do.

While guilt often plagues me,
While anger often consumes me,
While doubt sometimes controls me,
While my pride often distracts me,
While humulity is too often illusive to me,
While my mistakes sometimes haunt me,
While the "what if's" and "should haves" often berate me,
While fear often paralyzes me,

I know that our God
Knows -me-
Our God
Has forgiven me
Our God is calling me
He is calling me
He is calling us...
To step out
To step up
To rest in all He has done
To be a light in the darkness
so that others may see and know

He is the only hope
He is the only "sure thing"
He is the only answer

Now it's time to move.

"Bring it on!"

Surfboards & Walmart.......huh???

So, my little man and I were grocery shopping at Walmart a few weeks ago....just the 2 of us. It was a BLAST! But I have to say........my favorite part was when he pointed out to me that Walmart sells surfboards!!


As we were walking down one of the center aisles I hear, "LOOOK Mommy!! They sell surfboards!" All I'm thinking at the point is, "huh???......they do?"

So I asked little man to show me.......which he does. Man, ironing boards sure do look like surfboards don't they?! At least to an "almost 6" year old.

I didn't have the heart to break it to him that those weren't surfboards.....so instead I took a pic of the so-called surfboards with my cellphone for him to show Daddy....which he got even more excited about. It wasn't until shortly thereafter when he discovered "surfboards with polka dots", as he put it...that I had to spoil the fun and explain that those weren't really surfboards after all. As I discussed the situation I happened to glance up just in time to see an older gentleman looking our direction chuckling.......I think he must have over heard.

Oh to be a child again. Hard to believe my little man starts Kindergarten in 6 days!!!!

This is a pic of him showing us his "twin eye"...as he put it. Another hilarious little man moment. We have no idea where the whole "twin eye" thing came from but it sure was funny.